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The child abuse stories on this website are about physical and emotional child abuse. If you are an adult survivor of child abuse, know that you are not alone. Through this website, I will share bits and pieces of my child abuse stories that make up my book, named in honor of the alternative personality (alter) who took over when the abuse became unbearable. The purpose of this website is to put a face on child abuse through my stories, while offering hope of healing to those still suffering from the after effects of child abuse.
If you want to learn about physical and emotional child abuse, or are a child abuse survivor and looking for support, validation, and ideas for healing, you might find this website helpful. Let others who have gone before you light your path and show you the many ways they have healed themselves. There is no magic. Healing the long term effects of child abuse is a process.
While I am writing my memoir, I promote books of other’s child abuse stories via Amazon. I welcome any comments or feedback you may have about the books found on this website. If you have a child abuse story you would like to share with others through this website, you can contact me through the Contact page of this site.
Though my child abuse stories are unique to me, I don’t believe the treatment I received at the hands of my caretakers were uncommon then, nor are they now. I grew up in a family affected by poverty, alcoholism, and mental illness. My child abuse stories will show how these issues can feed into one another.
For example, the Momma in the story is someone whose mental illness allows her to function enough that to anyone taking a snapshot of most moments in time would think all is well. They don’t see the inner workings of her mentally ill mind. Only those closest to her see her paranoia and hear the messages that repeat in her head. While her beauty appears to give her power, in reality, it is her worst enemy. Learning to run from any problems that arise, by leaving the physical place and people, combined with her mental illness, she is unable to hold a job. With limited ways to make money, she resorts to periodic prostitution to for survival. The prostitution brings about feelings of self-loathing which she buries with alcohol. In her state of powerlessness, she takes her feelings out on the only person she has control of, her daughter. In order to handle the severe physical and emotional abuse, her daughter dissociates into Artie. My story is about Artie’s survival through a mentally ill, alcoholic mother and a neglectful father, and the damage it caused to her psyche.
The people in these child abuse stories are the walking wounded that you can easily find anywhere, if you know what to look for. These child abuse stories will create a multi-dimensional view, showing the various character’s humanity and the complexities of these issues. Artie’s story is one of unforgettable characters that you will come to love and hate, leaving you not quite knowing how to feel about them, but all the wiser for having known them.
Technorati Tags: child abuse issues, child abuse stories, child abuse survivors
The NFL has hired the “Who” band to play during halftime. The controversy that is brewing is Peter Townsend having been “placed on Britain’s sex offenders register for five years after he admitted accessing child pornography online.”
I understand someone not being guilty unless convicted. However I don’t believe we have all the facts. He claims he was working on a project however before one investigates any subject matter, if it includes breaking the law, I would think the very least you would do is let the police know what you were doing and for what purpose.
Public judgment does not have to meet the stringent requirements of a court of law. Sponsors dropped Tiger Woods for bad, but legal, behavior. I believe people have the right to let the NFL (and public) know of their objection to hiring someone who has exhibited illegal behavior, especially so objectionable and life damaging as child pornography.
What do you think?
In my mother’s eyes, I failed to see how fortunate I was, which contributed to her justification for abusing me. For example, my mother loved to cook what she called “salmon patties and I could not stand the smell or taste them. (I get nauseated at the smell to this day) I would sit and dawdle at the table for hours, every once in a while, trying to get a bite down my throat without gaging. I knew what awaited me if I didn’t finish.
Somewhere around midnight, I would be grabbed up by my arm, my legs flailing for the floor in an attempt to get away from her other hand with the paddle. As I squirmed to get away, it didn’t matter to her where the paddle landed, my head, knee, hand, etc., just as long as it landed. I was ungrateful. There were starving kids around the world who would love to have my salmon. I didn’t understand why she didn’t send it to them. All I could do was cry and beg, “Please Momma, please don’t!” as each blow landed. It was only when she was exhausted that it stopped.
I try to understand her life. Growing up in an orphanage, her point of reference was vastly different. I’m not sure what kind of food or the amounts that were served. I know that compared to her life, mine was one of privilege. To her, it must have seemed as if I were turning my nose up at that privilege.
Technorati Tags: child abuse, child abuse example
My “healing from child abuse” journey began with the movie Mommie Dearest. I had heard all the talk about it being about child abuse and like many others, I was curious. As I left the theater, I remember thinking “That’s child abuse? That’s nothing.” But later that night, as I lay in bed, I was left with the question; “If that’s child abuse, what happened to me?” That question was the first step into this healing journey.
The thirty some years since have been slow and painful. I have come to terms with how extreme the treatment I received as a child was. I recently decided to revisit that movie, but first, I would read the book. I was curious as to how I would perceive Christina Crawford’s treatment now, as a person fully in touch with what child abuse is. Would I still perceive it as “nothing?”
Many times through out the book, I related to Christina. She was the oldest child and her experience, like mine, was very different from her youngest siblings. I related to her feelings of despair. It didn’t’ matter what I did, I would get in trouble for the slightest perceived offense. The problem was, you never knew what would be the offending action. No one gave you “the rules.” They were made up on the fly, by someone who was either drunk or in a psychotic episode. And they weren’t something you could learn by experience because they changed.
Another thing I related to Christina’s experience was how all these outrageous things could happen, and when they were over, no one talked about it or acknowledged anything had happened at all. They not only didn’t acknowledge it, life went on as if everything was just dandy. Though Christina grew up in a world opposite of mine, the aftermath of child abuse connected us.
Tonight I watched the movie. How did I feel about the movie now, as an enlightened person? I must say that the book helped me understand just how badly abused Christina was, in ways the movie did not, an perhaps could not convey. Though I thought the movie was done well, and I do recommend it, I’m glad I read the book first. And while I now see it clearly as abuse, Artie doesn’t seem to think it was that bad.
Technorati Tags: child abuse issues, child abuse stories, child abuse story, child abuse survivors, emotional child abuse, physical child abuse
Healing from child abuse is a long process which involves specific stages and if you so choose, ends with forgiveness. The first stage is acknowledgment. Despite being severely beaten, I did not realize what happened to me was abuse for two reasons. First, my mind blocked out the worse parts. Second, I did not have a point of reference, so what I experienced was normal to me.
The second stage child abuse survivors must enter is allowing themselves their feelings about what happened. This can take years and even decades as you discover and examine all the ways you were damaged and how it affected your life. It’s like an onion with many layers, as soon as you work your way through one, you discover another. You must walk through the feelings your anger (or rage, depending on the depth and length of your abuse). This is the stage most people find overwhelming and unfortunately, quit. They don’t feel they have the strength to go through the trauma again. And let’s be honest. You must experience aspects of the trauma in order for the mind / body to feel the original pain that was stuffed deep within. This requires courage and is some of the most difficult work you will ever do.
But here is what I discovered. Nothing was as bad as the abuse Artie (my alter) experienced. If she could go through the experience and survive, it would not be near as difficult for me to have the feelings about the experience. After all, in perspective, she survived the hardest part.
After you are really through with that second stage, it is possible to truly forgive. The parent / child ties go deep into the soul. I am not saying everyone should forgive. For me, there came a time where I began to become curious about how my mother became the person she was. What happened to her? I began looking for a more historical perspective. It is at this point I got a more full picture of what happened in her life. From that point on, it has been like putting the final pieces of an important puzzle together; the puzzle of my life. Now, I can move on.
I just read a story about child abuse titled “In child abuse cases, do what’s best for the child, experts say.“
What disturbed me was this paragraph: “Four days before the baby’s death, 21-year-old Patrick A. Naquin of Houma, was arrested after he allegedly fractured the skull of his girlfriend’s 2-year-old son in a fit of rage. The child is expected to recover. Naquin is charged with second-degree cruelty to a juvenile. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison.”
What stunned me was the charge being second-degree and the length of the possible sentence. It seems like cracking a child’s skull should be a first-degree AND 40 years is a bit too much.
Another statement in the article I found disturbing was, “Parents need to be more careful about who they leave their children with,..” Though this is very true, at the same time people are judging the primary caretakers of these children, they are cutting funds to programs that will help teach better parenting skills, provide safe housing AND provide day care assistance so children aren’t left in precarious care.
Yes, I know there are many people who claim “my parents didn’t have any parenting classes and I turned out just fine.” (though that is a matter of opinion) The fact is there are many people who haven’t the slightest clue of how to parent BECAUSE they never experienced good parenting themselves. You can’t give what you don’t have.
The bottom line is that when parents don’t have stable housing, child care assistance or parenting skills, children are more likely to suffer. Then we all talk of how awful it is when a particular case of child abuse ending in death shows up in the news. And we never connect the dots.
This week an article by Rueben Rosario regarding a searing report by Every Child Matters caught my attention. The article covers the cost of child abuse and possible solutions. The report covers not only child abuse statistics, but the child abuse stories behind the statistics.
Another report put out by Every Child Matters, called GeoMatters, highlights how the geography of where one lives dramatically increases the results of everything from child abuse fatalities to percentage of juveniles incarcerated. Who knew children are 13 times more likely to die from abuse or neglect in Oklahoma compared to those in Maine OR a youth in Wyoming was 734% more likely to be incarcerate than Vermont?
As I read through the on-line comments on the Rosario article, I was shocked at the hard heartlessness of so many people who chose to comment (38 comments as some where removed). I chose to engage some who were particularly abrasive, such as “The anti-welfare guy,” “The Solution,” and “The Master.”
Afterwards, it was clear to me their type have no interest in promoting the conversation or discussing realistic solutions. They are there to promote their style of simpleminded, black and white thinking, that is often connected to a political ideology, and not subject centered. When pressed for ideas of solutions, they either dropped off or resorted to name calling. And when called out on the childish name calling, they dropped off.
To expect investigators and social workers to handle the number of caseloads our recent budget cuts have required and do so in a thorough manner is unfair and unrealistic. Some families do need support services AND some children need to be removed, with errors of judgment always being on the side of removing the child. We cannot severely underfund these professionals, and be righteously outraged when the cases come to light, then blame them for failing to do the job our underfunding made impossible to do.
We need the same definitions of child abuse applied nationwide so statistics can be accurately kept. While different definitions of what constitutes abuse state to state makes it more difficult to measure what works, this report gives us a good snapshot to learn what questions we should be asking to find a model that we can apply nationwide to make the most of our precious tax dollars. Every day, 5 more children are murdered as a result of child abuse. In the end, it is a case of putting our money where our mouth is. Period.
Technorati Tags: child abuse issues, child abuse solutions, child abuse statistics, child abuse stories
Synopis of study Women who suffered child abuse spend more on health care: Even decades after the abuse ended, middle-age women who suffered physical or sexual abuse as children spend up to one-third more than average in health-care costs.
My comments: Researchers were surprised the effects of child abuse on the female child abuse survivors lasted well into their 40’s, long after the abuse ended. That statement tells how little they know. It doesn’t ever stop affecting child abuse survivors. As a survivor, I can tell you the magnitude of the effects of the abuse, physically and mentally, are so great that they have ingrained themselves into my personality. It affected who I chose as friends, who I married and how I parented my children. Each of those areas cascade into a million little daily decisions that not only affected me, but affected all those around me. It affected what career fields I could and could not go into, the length of time it took to attain a degree, as much of my energy for 50 years was spent trying to survive life long debilitating depression.
I am 57 years old and while I will always strive to eliminate / overcome my child abuse effects, I believe I will be weeding out the multitude of ways child abuse has affected me until the day I die. For example, the words “I’m sorry” blurt out of my mouth for things I have no control over, before my brain even engages. This has caused me more than a few embarrassing moments as business settings place the spotlight on just how inappropriate the comment appears to others. And while I work on eliminating this particular effect until I overcome it, there are so many more, that I don’t see an end to this challenge.
I’m glad researchers are beginning to look at how child abuse effects reach far into the future of adult child abuse survivors, however it is disheartening to know where they are at in their level of scientific knowledge of the subject.
Technorati Tags: child abuse effects, child abuse survivor, child abuse survivors
The American Medical News reports that after nine years, the American Medical Board of Pediatrics is FINALLY offering a specialty in the treatment of child abuse. We as a society owe a debt to the late pediatrician and educator, Dr. Ray Helfer, who devoted his life to the developing methods of detecting child abuse, treating and preventing it. Others have kept Dr. Helfer’s spirit and work alive on as The Helfer Society.
As a child abuse survivor, I personally feel a huge debt to anyone who works towards these goals. I know the depths of damage it does to one’s soul and how that damage plays out in one’s life throughout their lifetime. I try to show the depth and complexity of the multitude of issues within my child abuse stories. There is something healing within, just to know there will now be doctors who now specialize in child abuse. Thank you to each and every one who cares enough to make this your specialty. May you be blessed with knowing how important your work is and the difference you are making in the lives of children and society. Next January 2010, the first doctors will hold certificates in the specialty of child abuse. I wish I could shake each and every one of their hands.
For the first half of Alice Miller’s book “Free from Lies: Discovering Your True Needs “, I was saying “Yes, Yes, Yes,” as I read, knowing I finally found someone who really knew the subject matter of child abuse and what it took to heal. She is truly a pioneer in this field. Her point of professionals being a witness who drops the “neutral” position between her client and the parents (who are not her clients), is right on the money. As a client, I remember when I could feel the therapist not believing what I said and this left me even more isolated. If the person I was going to help for was questioning me (and at this point in my recovery, we were dealing with the lighter stuff), then maybe I was exaggerating. After all, I had been told I made mountains out of mole hills, that I was a liar, that it wasn’t really that bad, that things hadn’t happened the way I saw them happening. And for years, I believed it.
Fortunately for me, at a point in my life when I became aware of my dissociation, I bravely visited an relative for the purpose of exposing a small peice of the abuse. To my surprise, he told me stories that I did not remember, but matched the brutality of the ones I did. Then later came pictures of the abuse which confirmed a brutality far more than I could have ever imagined.
I found this book to be a valuable read, especially the first half. It confirmed a lot of what I knew already in my heart. However in the second half, Alice and I came to different conclusions about love and forgiveness. I am not saying we must forgive, for when one comes to the healing point in their life where that is an option, that their choice. But it is an option and choice.
If I understand Alice correctly, she was saying that to feel anything less than hatred for the person who abused you as a child is disrespectful to the child within who experienced abuse. She concluded that it is disrespectful to your child within if you don’t hate the abuser. Because Alice was so on target, and I agreed with her insights 90% of the time, I actually went through a period where I questioned my feelings about my mother. It kept me in a state of confusion, not knowing what to think for about a week.
Artie, in her child like state, felt threatened. She loves Momma very much and found what I was reading disturbing. From my understanding, Alice was saying that the child abuser never loves the child. I had a hard time with that statement too. I understand that to the child abuser, it is all about them however I am of the belief that my mother loved me to the best of her ability. Having grown up in an orphanage my mother didn’t know what love looked like, let alone how to love. So what I got was her convoluted sense of what she thought love was.
While Artie dealt with the physical abuse, I have dealt with the ramifications of the child abuse as an adult. I make no bones about it having been a journey through hell. There were times I hated my mother. I once drove 400 miles to take a butcher knife to her grave. I hysterically stabbed it into the ground as it was the first time I could let myself feel the years of rage that gushed out at her for what she did. I am glad she was dead, as I’m not sure how that kind of rage would have played out had she been alive.
But now I’m in a different place. I left that raw rage with her, at her grave site. I’m curious about her life, how she got to be who she became. What she did was awful, but it doesn’t define her whole being or her whole life. She was an alcoholic woman who was tormented with mentally illness and did not know what to do with the explosion of feelings that boiled inside her. I was just the closest person that she could unleash her own rage out onto.
I am older than Alice. Perhaps I am further along in my healing the wounds from the child abuse. Perhaps we just disagree on these two points.
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